The Fiction FANtastique

Chaos! (Downloads, polls, etc.)

Fan Fiction

Film Scripts

A little sparse on the ground at the moment, I’ll delve through the web to find some more!

Clueless

The Truman Show

Jerry Maguire

The Star Wars Trilogy

Please scroll down for the fan fiction available on this site.

TOW The Jellyfish

TOW The Chick And Duck

TOW Chandler Can’t Remember Which Sister

TOW Everyone Finds Out

To Tell The Truth

The Matchmaker

How To Bury A Millionaire

Ham Radio

Wedding Bells

A Simple Kiss (Parts 1, 2 and 3)

By Katie Richards

"Are you going to bring her home at a decent hour?"

"Yes."

"Do you not care at all that I am completely against this."

"Yes."

"Well, then. Have a good time." Frasier said, sarcastically. Niles' eyes shifted from Frasier to Daphne. He stood up and couldn't believe how beautiful she looked.

"Daphne, you are a vision." Niles said, smiling.

"Oh, thank you." Daphne laughed.

Niles went weak at the knees. "These are for you," he gave her the flowers.

"Oh, they're so beautiful. Thank you."

"Well, we better be off then," he took her arm in his.

"All right. Good night all," Daphne said to Martin and Frasier.

"Good night," they said.

Daphne and Niles closed the door behind them. Frasier cast a disapproving look at the door, then sat down on the couch and sighed. "Oh Dr. Crane, it's so beautiful," Daphne exclaimed as they entered the ballroom.

"Yes, it certainly is. Let's go and drop off our coats at the coat check." They walked over to the coat check.

"Dr. Crane, I just have to ask. Why didn't you want to go to the party by yourself?"

"Well, you see Daphne, Maris is here and I really didn't want her to think that..."

"Say no more," Daphne smiled, "I completely understand."

After checking their coats, Niles and Daphne walked back into the ballroom.

"Your name, sir?" A man at the entrance asked.

"Crane - Niles Crane."

"All right, your table number is 45." Niles and Daphne began to walk to their table when the man stopped them.

"And your name, madam?" He motioned to Daphne.

Niles answered for her, "Daphne Moon, she is my guest."

"Well, I was told to expect just you Dr. Crane. A lady told me that you wouldn't be bringing a date."

"What did the lady look like?" Niles asked.

"Well, it's difficult to describe her, after all, her veil was covering her face."

Without hesitation, Niles said, "Maris."

"Well, the woman who told you that was mistaken," Daphne answered "After all, I am his...fiancée."

"Fiancée?" The man asked.

"Fiancée?" Niles echoed.

"Yes," Daphne smiled, putting her arm around Niles.

"Well, I'll rectify that at once." The man answered. "You may sit at table 62.""Thank you." Daphne answered, Niles was too dumbstruck to answer.

"Daphne - " Niles began.

"I know, Dr. Crane. I just thought that it might make Maris jealous. After all she's done to you, I thought it best we show her she can't spoil our evening."

"I was going to say, thank you Daphne. I really appreciate what you're doing for me."

When they reached their table, Niles pulled out Daphne's chair for her.

"Thank you," she said. Niles caught a whiff of her hair, then sat down next to her. The guests at the table introduced themselves.

"Hello, my name is Maureen Scott and this is my husband Alfred."

"I'm Irene Campbell, and this is my husband George."

"I'm Christopher Kenneth and this is my wife Joanna."

Daphne began to introduce her and Niles, "I'm Daphne Moon and this is Dr. Niles Crane."

Without hesitation, Niles said, "She's my fiancée!" Smiling proudly, he put his arm around her.

"Oh how exciting," Maureen said.

Christopher asked, "When did you become engaged?"

"Last week." Daphne answered.

Irene smiled, "Well, congratulations."

Alfred asked, "How did you two meet?"

Niles panicked, "Well, it's a funny story..."

"Yes, darling, it is," Daphne smiled. "You see...I'm the housekeeper and physical therapist..."

"Oh, we see..." George smiled, punching Niles in the arm. Niles gave a faint smile. Before Daphne could continue, Paul and Jennifer Worthington were welcoming their guests with a little speech. After the welcoming speech, Jennifer Worthington said, "To start the evening off, we're going to play a little game. If your name is called, you must come up here and announce one special thing about the person you brought tonight. "Paul Worthington continued, "I'm going to pull out the first name - Thomas Ulligan." No one stood up. "Oh, well I suppose he isn't in attendance. I'll draw again - Niles Crane."

Niles stood up. He was very nervous, but then he thought of Maris, and he found confidence.

"The person I brought this evening is very dear to me. She's sweet and beautiful and whenever I'm around her, no matter how troubled I am, she brings happiness to my life. I am truly fortunate to be here tonight with Daphne Moon." He smiled and the guests applauded.

Paul Worthington drew another name. When Niles sat down, Daphne smiled at him, and put her hand in his. The evening was very enjoyable and after dinner, the toasts began. There was a special dance dedicated to Paul and Jennifer. Daphne watched Paul and Jennifer dance, and she smiled and said to Niles, "You know, one day that's going to be me and Donny..." Niles looked sad. Joanna spoke, "Who's Donny?" "Ummm..."Daphne spoke, "That would be my nickname for Dr Cr.. - Niles." "How do you get the nickname 'Donny' from Niles?" George asked. "Oh..." Niles spoke. "I don't know," Daphne began, "Well, I must confess - I am a bit psychic...and when I met Niles, I picked up a name from him and it was...Donny." "How delightfully eccentric," Alfred said. "Do you pick up anything from me?" Daphne got up from her chair and took Alfred's hand in hers and closed her eyes. "Oh...yes," she said. "I'm getting a name...""Yes?" Alfred asked." Daphne answered, "...Rachel." Alfred's wife, Maureen, was angry, "Rachel?! Alfred what is going on?" "Nothing, Maureen! I don't know a Rachel." "Well, I'm sure one of those secretaries of yours goes by the name of Rachel!"

They continued to bicker. Daphne sat down beside Niles again and said, "Oops." "Oh, don't worry Daphne it will pass," Maureen spilt her champagne right in Alfred's face. "Or..." Niles continued, "Maybe not..."Daphne and Niles shared a smile and sipped their drinks trying to look inconspicuous.

ENGAGING NEWS

"Could I please have everyone's attention?" Paul Worthington asked the guests. When the talking stopped, he continued. "I have made a remarkable discovery this evening. I've heard of a wonderful engagement that has taken place - an engagement between Dr. Niles Crane and Daphne Moon." The guests applauded and Niles and Daphne both looked embarrassed by the attention. Paul continued, "In celebration of this wonderful event, I would like them to share a dance together." The guests applauded again. Niles rose from his chair and took Daphne's hand and led her to the dance floor. The song "The Way You Look Tonight" played and they danced. When the song ended Niles and Daphne kissed and the guests applauded. They returned to their seats - smiling. The door to Frasier's apartment opened and Daphne turned on the lights. "Dr. Crane can I get you a drink?" "Well Daphne, it's sort of late but - oh, why not?" He smiled. Niles closed the door behind him and sat down in one of the chairs around the dining room table. Daphne poured two glasses of sherry. "Here you go." Daphne said, handing a glass to Niles. "Thank you." He replied. Daphne sat down on the couch. "Well, we had quite a time tonight, didn't we?" Daphne smiled, sipping her sherry. "Yes, we did." Niles stared at her. "You know, Dr. Crane, I had a lot of fun pretending to be your fiancée. I can't really explain, why, but I felt really close to you this evening." "I felt close to you too Daphne." "What did you think of the evening?" "Well, I showed Maris, impressed the guests, danced in the spotlight, and almost ended a marriage..." "Well, that was mostly my own fault." Daphne laughed. "I guess my psychic powers were a little off today. Dr. Crane, about the kiss on the dance floor - I didn't mean to be so forward. I feel almost guilty." "You feel guilty?" "Why, yes." "Because you enjoyed it?" Niles looked hopeful. "Well, pretty much because I am engaged to Donny." Niles looked sad, "Oh." "Dr. Crane, that was a very beautiful thing you said about me. I know you were making it up because of the fiancée situation, but it was very nice all the same." Niles got up from his chair and walked towards Daphne. "Daphne, I meant what I said about you. I had a really wonderful time tonight and that was mostly because of your contribution to it." Niles turned away from Daphne. "You see Daphne, tonight, I realized something - I can't lose you. I mean, when you mentioned that one day you and Donny would be celebrating an anniversary together, it occurred to me that I had to speak to you about - I just had to tell you my feelings, the feelings I have had for you for seven years. Daphne, I just wanted to tell you tonight how much I love you." Niles turned around to face Daphne and noticed she had fallen asleep. Niles looked at Daphne with a sad expression. She hadn't heard a word he had said. Niles lifted the blanket off of Martin's recliner and placed it over Daphne. He bent down and kissed her cheek, saying, "Goodnight, Daphne." Niles walked to the door and turned off the lights. Then, with one glance in Daphne's direction, closed the door behind him.

Ending theme song: Hey baby, I hear the blues a callin', tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Oh my! And maybe I seem a bit confused; well maybe, but I got you pegged! But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs. They're callin' again. Goodnight!

Credits: Daphne's sleeping soundly and wakes to find Eddie staring at her...she jumps up in surprise, and Eddie falls right off the couch...Daphne then, goes back to sleep.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.]

Joey: (answering phone) Hello.

Chandler: (on phone) Hey, it’s me. I know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I’d try and apologize over the phone. All I… (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)

(Pause)

(The phone rings again.)

Joey: (answering phone) Hello.

Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I’m… (Joey hangs up the phone again.)

(Pause)

(The phone rings yet again.)

Joey: (answering phone) Stop callin’!!

Voice: (on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.

Joey: All right!

Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything… (Joey realizes it’s Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.]

Chandler: (entering) Ugh, turkey! Ugh, giving thanks! Ugh!

Phoebe: Look everyone, it’s the spirit of Thanksgiving!

Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better?

Chandler: They couldn’t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me.

Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?

Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?

Rachel: You shouldn’t.

Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there’s the added mystery of who gets who.

Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I don’t know why I do that.

[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day parade.]

Rachel: Well, I’m gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy.

Monica: We haven’t eaten yet!

Rachel: I know, but all that work you’re doing to get it ready, I just… (goes into her bedroom.)

Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, ‘cause I wanna trade for her.

Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!

Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?

Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it’s like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let’s trade!

Chandler: Oh that’s not true! That’s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it… (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe’s faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it… (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials…

Phoebe: Oh.

Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.

Chandler: Op, y'know what though, it’s kind of a girlie briefcase.

Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum!

Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!

Phoebe: You don’t have to do that, Ross and Joey aren’t here, you can watch the parade if you want.

Chandler: Thanks.

Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her arm into the freezer and a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow! Ow!!

Phoebe: God, what happened?!

Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!

Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here!

Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.

Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.

Monica: Oh, y’know what, I can’t, it really kills.

Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it.

Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad.

Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.

Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can’t go to him when I don’t have a boyfriend!

Chandler: He’s really picky about his patients.

Phoebe: Honey, you’ve got to go. What’s his office number?

Monica: Like I remember his office number! (Pause) Speed dial 7.

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, I’m calling on behalf of Monica Geller’s eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) He’s out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?

Monica: Yes!!

Phoebe: Yes! She’s very excited about that.

[Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross is watching.]

Phoebe: This is so cool, ‘til Monica gets back, it’s like I’m head chef and I get to make all the decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and then decides to add it to the dish.)

Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!

Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen!

Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.

Phoebe: All right I… I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question.

Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I’m already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.

Chandler: Oh y’know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.

Ross: Really?! Wow! That’s-that’s so nice, what are you gonna get me?

Chandler: I don’t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office.

Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you don’t want to do that, then you’re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.

Ross: Oh, that’s not true! I’ve got her lots of stuff she never took back.

Chandler: Like?

Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.

Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it?

Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh…

Chandler: Big dog?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.]

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: What are you doing?

Joey: I’m sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.

Ross: Everything? Even the TV?

Joey: No! I’m putting that in my room.

Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don’t you think you could at least hear the guy out?

Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?

Ross: That’s a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?

Joey: Five years.

Ross: You’ve sentenced him?!

Joey: Hey! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

Ross: Joey, the guy’s your best friend.

Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there’s a spot open.

Ross: Oh, who? Me?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Wow! I’m honored! And y’know what I’m gonna do as my first act as your best friend?

Joey: What?

Ross: I’m gonna get you to talk to Chandler.

Joey: All right. But if you weren’t my best friend.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about Joey.]

KATHY: Oh my God, is it really that bad?

Chandler: I walk into a room and he won’t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.

Joey: (entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?

GUNTHER: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there.

(Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)

KATHY: Oh.

Chandler: Hey Joe.

Joey: (Something in Italian.) (Storms out.)

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s office, Rachel and Monica are waiting as the doctor arrives.]

Doctor: I’ll be right with you. Okay? (to the nurse) Thanks, Wendy.

Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?

Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I’m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

(The intercom buzzes.)

Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.

Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now.

Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.

Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready?

(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler rushes in.]

Chandler: Hey! I’m sorry! That—(sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going?

Joey: My folks.

Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?

Joey: I don’t know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Yeah, y’know at first I thought we could talk about this y’know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don’t think I…

Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I’ll stop seeing her?

Joey: Look, it’s not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don’t want to live with some one who doesn’t know what it is to be a friend. So, I’ll see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)

Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!

Joey: Yeah! You did! And that’s why I’m leaving.

(The chick and the duck walk into the living room.)

Chandler: All right look, if you’re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all!

Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down!

Chandler: What?

Joey: Yeah! But if would’ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn’t have worried about it so much! See you around!

Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?

Joey: We’ve got a box. (Motions to a large wooden box next to him.)

[Scene: Dr. Burke’s office, Tim is examining Monica.]

Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen.

Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open.

Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now.

Monica: You look great too.

Tim: You’re an excellent patient!

Monica: So how does it look?

Tim: Well, you’ve got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days.

Monica: Like a pirate?!

Tim: If that helps you.

Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? (He looks at her) Come on, one of us had to mention him.

Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago.

Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?

Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)

Monica: No way!

Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s.

Monica: (disappointed) Oh.

Tim: But we broke up.

Monica: (happy) Oh.

Tim: She-she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment.

Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirate’s voice) So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?

Tim: You’re not wearing the patch yet.

Monica: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, It’s closer to dinner. Monica has just told everyone that Tim is coming to dinner.]

Ross: He’s coming here for Thanksgiving!

Rachel: I know, it’s sick.

Monica: Why is it sick?

Rachel: Because it’s Richard’s son! It’s like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!

Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don’t you?

Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I’d be your best shot but, no. I’m sorry, but I think it’s twisted.

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) What’s twisted?

Monica: Me going out with Richard’s son.

Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me.

Rachel: Is he okay in there?

Joey: He’s fine!

Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin’ in a box!! (goes to her room)

Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts!

Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?

Rachel: (worried) Why?

Ross: I just wanna check something.

Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)

Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to Chandler) Now, we’ll see.

Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)

Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a necklace) Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time.

Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver.

Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.

Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!

Rachel: Well isn’t it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?

Ross: What did you get?

Rachel: Credit.

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: (running in from her bedroom) I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! I’ll get it! (opens the door) Hi, Tim.

Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine)

Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe.

Tim: Hi, nice to meet you.

Monica: And Joey.

Joey: Hey!

Tim: Hi, Joey.

Monica: My brother, Ross.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: And Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice loudly) And that’s Chandler.

Chandler: How do ya do.

Tim: What’s…

Monica: Umm, well, he’s…

Joey: He’s doin’ some thinkin’!

[cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.]

Chandler: What happened? What happened?!

Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!

(A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)

Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.

Ross: Like ‘em, like ‘em? Or, I’d like to get store credit for that amount like ‘em?

Rachel: (Swears in Italian, it’s the same term used by Joey earlier and Joey nods his approval.)

Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!

Tim: Where can I wash up?

Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.

Tim: Thank you.

Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin’ that for the Pope!

Monica: See he’s nice. Right?

Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That’s not how your dad used to do it."

Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?

Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.)

Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.

(There’s a loud knocking.)

Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it. (goes over to the door.)

Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs)

Joey: That doesn’t sound like thinking to me!

Chandler: Sorry!

Joey: Y’know I don’t think you should be talking at all in there! I think you’ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!

Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it!

Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams?

Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joey’s got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.

Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?!

Monica: Oh-ho-ho, we’ve got company.

Ross: There’s nothing the matter with me. See, I’m not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.

Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into her bedroom)

(an awkward silence follows)

Chandler: You can’t tell, but I’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!

Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you’re just an idiot in a box!

Chandler: You’re right, and I’m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won’t say another word tonight.

Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?

Chandler: Absolutely!

Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? (There’s no response from Chandler.) Okay.

(Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)

Rachel: Don’t say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross what’s in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from the first time we… were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!

Ross: I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry. Though, you’re not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) It’s like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.

(Rachel glares at him.)

[Cut to the balcony with Monica and Tim.]

Monica: (putting off her coat) Ooh, this always happens. (Her coat gets stuck.)

Tim: Here, let me help. (Does so.)

Monica: Thank you.

Tim: You-you have a very beautiful… eye.

Monica: Y’know all my friends think this is weird.

Tim: Y’know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn’t.

Monica: I know! I mean it’s like me and your dad, that’s a totally separate thing.

Tim: Oh, I totally agree.

Monica: We’re just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?

(Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls away.)

Tim: What?

Monica: Nothing. Nothing.

Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay?

Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss…

Tim: Oh my God! It didn’t remind you of…

Monica: (interrupting) Don’t say it!

Tim: No, but it did! Didn’t it?!

Monica: Yeah!

Tim: Oh man!!

Monica: I know!

(They both shiver in horror.)

[cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still shivering. There’s a knock on the door.]

Joey: I’ll get it. (It’s Kathy.)

KATHY: (sees it’s Joey) Oh.

Joey: Hey.

KATHY: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am…

Joey: That’s okay. Chandler’s the one I’m mad at.

KATHY: Well, I’m still sorry. Is he here?

Joey: In the box.

KATHY: (going over to the box) Chandler?

Phoebe: Oh, he-he can’t talk right now.

KATHY: Why not? What’s going on?

Phoebe: He’s just trying to show Joey how much he means to him.

KATHY: By being in a box?

Rachel: Joey, had reasons.

Phoebe: They were threefold.

KATHY: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm… (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I don’t wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can’t stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don’t wanna be the cause of that. So, I don’t think we can see each other anymore. I’m gonna go to my mom’s in Chicago, I’m gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could’ve be something really amazing, but y’know this is probably for the best. Y’know? I’m gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.

(She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves good-bye with one finger extended through the air hole. Ross glares at Joey.)

Joey: (starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over to do so.)

Rachel: What?!

Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! (He opens the box) Get out of there!

Chandler: So?

Joey: Yeah, we’re gonna be fine! Get out!

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin’ in there.

Chandler: Man, this is…

(Joey says something unintelligible and they hug.)

Joey: Now go! ‘Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you’re secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.)

(After he’s gone.)

Joey: All right, who got Chandler? ‘Cause I uh, need to trade.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the gang is all there watching Chandler.]

Rachel: Oh, he sees her!

Monica: Oh, he’s catching up to her!

Phoebe: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they’re hugging!

Ross: He’s taking her purse!

Joey: Uhh, that’s not them. I’m gonna go call the police.

Phoebe: Oh, there they are!

(They watch them making up and sigh)

Phoebe: All right, get a room.

Author, Author Written by Don Seigel &

Jerry Perzigian

Directed by James Burrows

=====================================================================

Production Code: 1.22.

Original Airdate on NBC: 5th May 1994.

Transcript written on 17th February 1999.

Waitress: Here you go Doc, your usual.

Frasier: My usual. How lovely it is to have a usual. [tastes it.]

What is this?

Waitress: Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.

Frasier: Ah, no, no, no, that's my brother's usual. Mine is the

double Kona with cream.

Niles: [entering:] Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you?

Waitress: [to Niles:] Your usual Doc?

Niles: Please. [she hands Frasier's to Niles, then he carries on:]

Thankyou!

Frasier: Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today, problem?

Niles: I'm meeting my publisher here in five minutes, remember the

book deal I signed last month, the one you were so jealous

of.

Frasier: I wasn't jealous of it Niles, you just wanted me to be

jealous.

Niles: It's all mooed anyway, the deal's about to be killed. It

turns out the idea I sold them had already been done, they

gave me until today to think up an alternative and I've got

bupkiss. I've got less than bupkiss. I've got what bupkiss

keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket!

Frasier: Can't you just ask for an extension?

Niles: No, no, I've asked for two already. [sees him walking in:]

Oh God there he is. Sam, so good to see you.

Sam: Niles.

Niles: Sam Tanaka, my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.

Frasier: My pleasure. [the waitress bring's Frasier's coffee.]

Sam: Nice to meet you.

Niles: Sam, would you like a coffee?

Sam: [points to Niles' cup:] Oh, I'll have what he's having.

[Niles takes Frasier's cup and gives it to Sam.]

Niles: So you shall.

Frasier: [to waitress:] One more please.

Sam: Wait a second, you're the doctor from the radio, aren't

you?

Frasier: Guilty as charged.

Sam: I listen to your show all the time.

Frasier: Well thank you.

Sam: I never put it together that you two of you were brothers.

Niles: All our lives. [laughs.]

Sam: Well you two must have incredible insight into sibling

relationships.

Frasier: No more than your average psychiatrist brothers. [laughs.]

Sam: So Niles, what's your idea?

Niles: [nearly crying:] My idea. Well Sam, you know I've given it

a lot of thought, and it's not easy.

Sam: You'd almost think there's a book in that.

Niles: In what?

Sam: Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling

relationships.

Niles: That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher in

the greater Seattle area. That is exactly the idea we were

going to pitch to you.

Frasier: What? I hate to interupt..

Sam: Terrific. Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date so I

can take you two out to celebrate.

Niles: Well we were going to write today but OK. [Sam leaves.]

Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a

book. For God sakes, I'm outta here.

Niles: Frasier, I know it's asking big favour, I mean I know

you're busy but I want you to know that all of my life I've

dreamed of one thing, the day I could go into a library and

go to the card catalogue and see my name under "mental

illness". The day I could finally feel what you feel; that

I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist

in a grey pin-stripe suit.

Frasier: Oh, Niles I...

Niles: Go on, we haven't collabarated on anything together since we wrote the spring musical in prep school.

Frasier: Well it was well recieved, did get us out of gym class.

Niles: It could be like that again.

Frasier: I don't know Niles.

Niles: [begins singing with Frasier:]

For some boys go to college,

But we think they're all wussies,

For they get all the knowledge,

And we get all the...

Umpa umpa umpa umpa umpa umpa umpa.

Frasier: Alright, I'll do it!!

Niles: Yes!

Frasier: Tu ma frere.

Niles: Tu ma frere.

Martin: Hello Niles, what are you doing over here?

Frasier: Oh dad, I told you it's our first writing session tonight.

Martin: But I thought you were doing it over at Niles' house.

Niles: Er, we were suppose to, unfortuantly it's Maris' turn to

host her sherry tasting group and things tend to get a

little rawcus when she does.

Martin: Bu the silencer's on in twenty minutes.

Frasier: Dad, I've solved that problem. I've bought you these head

phones see. You'll be able to listen to the TV, without

disturbing Niles and me as we work?

Martin: What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?

Frasier: He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out

dad.

Martin: [puts them on and shouts:] Hey not bad!

Niles: Very clever solution.

Frasier: Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a

lot. Watch this; Hey dad! Nice shirt!. [he cannot here.] Did

they throw that in the last time you had your tyres rotated.

Niles: Hey dad, tell us about the time you met Dweight Eisenhower.

We haven't heard that story this hour!

Frasier: Ok, Ok, my turn, hey dad rememb..

Martin: [obviously hearing:] Say another word and I'll club you both

with my cane. [he settles down:] This is great, thanks a

lot. [puts earphones around Eddie's neck.] You better watch

out for this for me, Eddie. I'm going to get myself a little

snack, who wants some beer?

Frasier: Just you! Alright now, Niles, this is no time to

procrastinate.

Niles: OK, here we go. [poised at the keyboard of his laptop.]

Chapter One. Page One. Paragraph One. I'm indenting!

[Frasier shuts the laptop.]

Frasier: I had to squash your enthusiam but don't you think before we

start actually typing the book, we should discuss what the

book is going to be about!

Niles: Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it I'm jazzed.

You know we have to approach this book from a completely

different angle from all of our previous writings, our

dissertations, out thesises.

Frasier: Hmm, that's right yeah, this has to be interresting!

Niles: Well, the obvious approach is case histories. We'll fill the

book with anacdoques with brothers and sisters we've delt

with in our practice.

Frasier: Yes, and if we through in a few references to heaving

bussums, we're bound to make book of the month club.

Martin: Why, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys,

you could throw in there.

Niles: That's an idea, we could use ourselves, it would make a

delicious introuduction to our book.

Frasier: I like the introduction idea. Dad, OK give us a story which

depicts little Frasier and little Niles at their conflicted

best.

Martin: Oh, that has to be when we went trout fishing up at that

lake whats-it's-name. Boy you guys were out at tooth and

nail.

Niles: This is good, this is interessting.

Martin: Now, what was the name of that lake again.

Frasier: Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.

Martin: Indian word, Lake Whatchahatchi?

Frasier: Dad, you're missing the point here.

Martin: [ignoring:] Ow, your mother would know. Too bad she's dead!

Er, whatacouchi, whatawoochi. It was an Indian word it meant

"Land of a thousand.." No! This is driving me nuts! I'm

going to have to go in there and look it up.

Frasier: Dad, we just wanted the story!

Martin: No, it's alright, now where the hell did I put my atlas.

[leaves.]

Frasier: Quit a resource isn't he.

Niles: Alright, we'll just put the introduction on hold.

Frasier: Ok, back to case histories. Well, I suppose I could go take

my files out of storage after the re.. [thinks of

something.] Niles, is there a lightbulb over my head?

Niles: You have an idea?

Frasier: No, [sarcastically:] I'm actually asking you if there's a

lightbulb over my head! Of course I have an idea, it's my

radio show. I mean what better source of case histories can

there be. I'll just ask my listners to call in with their

personal stories of sibling conflict, and you could be my

guest on the show.

Niles: So, what you're suggesting, is that exploit your listners

lives for our own personal game?

Frasier: In essence, yes. What do you think?

Niles: I think it's border-line sleazy, let's go for it!

Frasier: Hello Roz.

Roz: Hey Frasier. What's your brother doing here?

Frasier: He's going to be my guest on the show today.

Roz: Oh no! I don't think so! I am the producer, and I approve

all the guests. This wasn't run by me and I do not approve

him!

Frasier: [putting script down:] OK, Roz, bye bye, have a good show.

Roz: OK, OK, but I won't make him coffee, I won't run his errends

and I'm not taking any of his crapola. [through mike:] Hey

Niles, welcome aboard. [to Frasier:] Five seconds till air.

Frasier: [into booth with Niles:] OK, Niles, sit down, take a deep

breath and try not to spit on the mike! [he is on air:]

Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I have a very

special guest with me today. My brother, the emminent

psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.

Niles: Helloooo, Emerald City. What's dooooing what's happ'nin'?

Frasier: [off air:] What the hell do you think you're doing?

Niles: That was my radio persona. Every radio personality has one.

Frasier: I don't.

Niles: My point exactly.

Frasier: Just try to be yourself will you. [on air:] Our topic today

is siblings. What makes you love them, what makes you hate

them...

Niles: What little thing do they do that especially annoy you?

These could be things from your childhood OR they could

things from your adolesence, OR they could be things from

your young adulthood OR..

Frasier: ..They could be things that are going on right now! Roz,

who's our first caller?

Roz: We have Donald from Bainbridge Island. He hasn't spoken to

his brother for over twenty years.

Frasier: Hello Donald.

Niles: I'm listning!

Frasier: We're listning!

Laura: I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane, I cried for two hours

straight.

Frasier: So, you were completely bald.

Laura: Yes, the perm destroyed my hair. I was sure my sisters were

going to laugh at me but they all kissed me and then they

marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads too, just

so I wouldn't feel like a freak.

Frasier: Amazing! Well there you have it Seattle, the miracle of the

sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of

head-shaving. Well that's about all the time we have, I'd

like to thank my brother Dr. Niles Crane for being here

today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.

Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing

year.

Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be back tomorrow. One Crane

flying solo. [off air.]

Niles: Frasier, we have hit the mother lode. We've got enough

information here for two volumes! I must aplogise for ever

criticising your radio program.

Frasier: Oh, it's all water under the pont-neuf.

Roz: [peering round:] I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon but

there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.

Frasier: [presses button.] Oh, hello Sam, you're on speaker phone.

Sam: I caught the show today fellows.

Frasier: You did, and?

Sam: Magic! How's the writing coming?

Niles: Oh, incredible, it's just falling like water. We've got what

two or three chapters already.

Sam: That's good to hear, because I just got off the phone with

readers digest. They're interested in the serialisation

rights. I need first few chapters to give them a taste, can

you fax them right over?

Frasier: Well, Sam Of course we could, but you know they're a little

rough Sam.

Sam: No problem, you've got till Friday to polish them up, you

can do that right? [Niles and Frasier look at each other in

total dismay.]

Niles: Absolutely!

Frasier: Friday's fine!

Sam: Terrific, I love you guys! [hangs up.]

Frasier: My God, what are we going to do?

Niles: Well now, let's remember we have all this material and now

it's just a matter of putting it all together.

Frasier: It's due on Friday!

Niles: We'll settle down and do it by [stressed:] Friday!

Frasier: Wait, wait, I just remembered a story about George and Ira

Gershwin when they had to meet a deadline, they would lock

themselves in a hotel room, free from destractions and not

come out until their task was complete.

Niles: Brilliant! If we get hot we'll not only finish this volume

but we can write another chorus to "Betsy Who Is My Woman

Now".

Niles: It's clean, it's sparkle, it's mass produced art, it's

totally devoid of charm, it's perfect, let's get to work.

Frasier: I'm with you mon frere, we cannot be intimidated by the

tiriny of a blank page. All we need to get a good start here

is... Room Service!!

Niles: Frasier!

Frasier: Niles, you're right! All we need is a good opening sentance.

Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes

and then take him on a virtual rollar-coaster ride of self

awareness and discovery.

Niles: Frasier, while you are other there mixing metaphores like a

Queisinart, I've had a break through. Voila! Our opening

sentance!

Frasier: [reading:] From Rhomulus and Rhemus to the Le Nain Sisters,

sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate

throughout the world. [thinks.] Interesting.

Niles: You like it?

Frasier: Well, I said it was interesting. Task ahead of us now is to

decide whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good

one.

Niles: You're just being negative because you didn't think of it

first.

Frasier: No! In truth I'm not. I never cared for Rhomulus, I never

cared for Rhemus and the reference to the Le Nain Sisters is

from the friggin' moon.

Niles: Well, alright, if you can do better, please be my guest.

Frasier: I will.

Niles: [after ten seconds:] My fingers are poised over the keys.

I'm waiting.

Niles: I'm still waiting!

Frasier: Alright, alright, put this down! "The key to a good sibling

relationship is the ability to be open and honest."

Niles: That actually sounded good to me.

Frasier: Well put that in there.

Niles: [typing:] The key to a good sibling relationship is the

ability to be open and honest, while still respecting each

others boundaries.

Frasier: What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries?

Niles: I was just finishing the thought.

Frasier: The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing for God's

sake. Now it's a run-on sentance.

Niles: I think it's much better this way.

Frasier: Well, I don't!

Niles: Well, I'm at the keyboard.

Frasier: Alright then, let me type! [Niles holds onto keyboard,

whilst Frasier tugs it.]

Niles: No, I can only write at the keyboard.

Frasier: Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except ruin a

perfectly good opening sentance.

Niles: [mad:] I was meerly finishing it, it was an incomplete

thought.

Frasier: You're an incomplete thought! What happened to the Ice Tea?

Niles: I finished that too!

Frasier: Niles, I've just had an epiphany.

Niles: Oh wonderful, we could use a second sentance.

Frasier: No, it's not for the book. I've just realised why so many

writers become bloated alcoholic suicides. [Niles types.]

No, don't type that in.

Niles: I'm not, I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar. We now

owe, $232.

Frasier: [looks out of window.] Oh Dear God!

Niles: Well, you're the damn fool that ate the whole jar of

Macadania nuts!

Frasier: No, it's dawn. It's Friday! Oh Niles, why don't we just

admit it. We can't work together, there's never going to be

any book!

Niles: [brushing up hair:] Not with that attitude, there isn't.

Frasier: Oh will you get off it! Come on, the fat lady has sung! The

curtain has been run down here. I'll type it for you in

capital letters. [he does.]

Niles: [reading:] IT'S UVER?

Frasier: Let's just go home.

Niles: Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so

easily. It's not your dream after all. Why should it be, Mr.

big shot radio host!

Frasier: Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about, huh?

You're jealous of my celebrity.

Niles: It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just [angry:]

FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time, you know

I wanted to be a psychiatrist like mom way before you did,

but because you were older you got there first. You were

first to get married, you were first to give dad the

grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to

doing anything, it's all chewed meat!

Frasier: You're crying about something we can't change!

Niles: You wouldn't change it if you could, you love it.

Frasier: Oh let it go Niles.

Niles: I can't let it go. My nose is rubbed in it everyday! I'm the

one on the board the psychiatric association, my research is

well respected in academic circles, four of my patients have

been elected to political office, but it's your big fat face

they put on the side of buses!

Frasier: I do not have a fat face!

Niles: Oh please, I've been wondering how long you're going to

store those nuts for winter!

Frasier: Well, at least I'm not spindly.

Niles: Who you calling spindly, fat face?

Frasier: You, spindly.

Niles: Fat face!

Frasier: Spindly!

Niles: Fat face!

Frasier: Spindly!

Niles: Fat face!

Frasier: You take that back.

Niles: You make me.

Frasier: I will make you.

Niles: I don't see you making me.

Frasier: Well, here's making you.

Frasier: Stop! Stop it, we're psychiatrist not putalists! [Niles

stops.] I can't believe you fell for that!

Niles: My God, My God, I'm having a flash back, you're climbing in

my crib and jumping on me.

Frasier: You stole my mummy! [stops and goes to door.] Oh My God, Oh

My God, Niles, I've gotta get out of here. This tireny has

been a fiasco since the start. It's the stupidest idea you

ever had, I should never have agreed to it! Goodbye!

[leaves.]

Frasier: Morning all.

Martin: Morning.

Daphne: You seem cheerful this morning Dr. Crane.

Frasier: Why shouldn't I be?

Martin: Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates up and about

two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin. [Frasier puts

goes.]

Daphne: Oh, I'll get it.

Frasier: Dad, the mark a pure man is that one that realises he can't

control his circumstances, he can only control his response.

Martin: Have you talken to your brother yet?

Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

Daphne: [answering door to Niles.] Oh, hello Dr. Crane.

Niles: Hello Daphne, [walks in] dad.

Frasier: [to Niles:] What are you doing here?

Niles: [to Martin:] Dad, I would like you to convey a message from

me to Frasier.

Martin: What makes you think I know where he is?

Niles: Tell him, he owes me half this hotel bill. Tell him I'll

accept cash but no personal checks as I know he has trouble

writing things! [Martin hands check to Frasier.]

Frasier: I'm not paying any of this!

Niles: So, you're cheap as well as intelectually baron.

Frasier: And you're a no talent hack.

Niles: And you look stupid in a t-shirt!

Martin: Alright, that's enough. Sit down and listen to me. Sit

down.[they do.] I never had a brother, but I had a partner

once, my first; Mitch Gussy. Big bear of a guy, arms like

tree-trunks. Mitch and I would go to ball games together,

we'd play cards and this was after work with eight hours

together..

Frasier: Dad, that's all very nice..

Martin: Just listen to me. Three months into our partnership, Gus

and I got assigned to a stake-out. Three days in the front

seat of a Sherry Noble together. Siting up, drinking too

much coffee. It didn't take long before we started getting

on each other's nerves.

Niles: Because he was a big egotistical fat face?

Martin: Because we were human. He didn't like this about me, I

didn't like that about him, so it got ugly. When the stake-

out was over Gus requested a transfer and that was fine by

me. Three months later, he was stabbed after breaking up a

bar-fight By the time he got to the hospital it was too

late. Take what you want from this story guys, all I know is

it ain't worth it!

Daphne: [runs to the kitchen crying:] Excuse me, I need a hanky.

Martin: Isn't there something you'd like to say to your brother?

Frasier: [holding the muffin Eddie licked:] Yes dad, I suppose there

is, Niles would you like a muffin?

Martin: Frasier!

Frasier: Alright! Niles, sorry things didn't work out with the book.

You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an

accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man. You stand second to

no-one.

Niles: Thankyou Frasier, the truth is I've always looked up to you

and admired you.

Martin: Alright, enough of this mushy girly stuff, just shake hands,

punch each other on the shoulder and be done with it.

Frasier: Oh what the heck!

Martin: What are you crying about?

Daphne: I just keep thinking about poor Gus, it must be so hard on

you carrying all that pain around.

Martin: There was no Gus I just made him up.

Daphne: What?!

Martin: Well at least there's there's one good writer in this family.

This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This

episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount

Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.

THANKS!

(Scene: Chandler, Joey and Ross’s-Everyone is there except Chandler, Monica and Ross)

Rachel: Ewww, Joey what is that smell it’s horrible.

Joey: Oh that’s would be Chandler or the duck (whispering) she’s got gas.

Phoebe: (Sniffing the air) Nope, definitely not the duck!! It can’t be Chandler, he’s not even here, stop making up stories, we know it was you Joey!!!

Joey: Eww Pheebs, I meant its Chandler’s room, he hasn’t opened the window in there in like months.

(They all go in there to see if he is right)

Joey: See?

Rachel: (peering round the room and noticing a bra on the floor) hey, hey, hey, looks like our Chandler has a little lady friend. Woo-hoo!

Joey: Oh yeah that’s probably Monica’s, (realizes what he just said) uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh I mean Monica would probably want a bra that size.

Phoebe: No, no Joey go back to what you said before!

Joey: Um, well I promised I wouldn’t tell.

Rachel: Promised who you wouldn’t tell what? Come on Joey you know you want to tell us.

Joey: Oh alright! Chandler and Monica have been sleeping together since London. (At this point Ross chooses to come through the door he hears this and runs into Chandler’s bedroom)

Ross: What??????

Opening Credits

Ross: That’s absolutely great, I couldn’t be happier for either of them!

Rachel and Phoebe: Me either!!

Joey: Wow I am so glad you reacted in this way, whew well that’s a load off!

(Chandler comes running up the stairs and goes into his apartment v. drunk, he stumbles in and lands on Ross)

Chandler: Ross, you tell your sister that she can go and kiss whoever she likes as long as its not me!!

(Monica enters)

Monica: Chandler, I swear I didn’t mean anything by it!

Chandler: Yeah I understand, kissing other guys is just part of your daily ritual. Which also includes cheating on your boyfriend.

(Rachel and Phoebe’s eyes widen and Ross and Joey just stand there looking gob smacked)

Monica: Uhh, well I haven’t slept with him.

Chandler: Ohhhhh, woo-hoo, oh wow Monica I am so happy for you, You haven’t slept with him yet, woo-hoo!!

Monica: It was only a couple of kisses

Chandler: Oh well if it was only a couple of kisses then its all right then isn’t it? Well, while you’re at it I might as well be too, (he turns around and kisses Rachel v. passionately and Rachel doesn’t move)

Ross: Dude!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

(He stops and lets Rachel go)

Monica: (she has a very pained expression on her face) Chandler??

Chandler: Oh don’t worry Mon, (mimicking her) it was only a couple of kisses! (He snaps) A couple of kisses my ass Mon. I mean you of all people know what hell I go through with women and all you can do is go kiss someone else. Dammit Mon I can’t believe you would do this to me!!!! Now if you don’t mind I’d like you all to leave, except you (pointing at Rachel)

(Rachel looks scared and Monica looks worried)

(They all leave)

(Monica runs off down the hall; Joey, Phoebe and Ross are left in the hall)

Joey: wow, well I never expected that.

Phoebe: I wonder who it was?

Ross: Who what was?

Phoebe: The guy that she kissed!

Ross and Joey: Phoebe!

Phoebe: What! Oh right yeah, oh what a minute they’re talking!

(Scene: Chandler, Joey and Ross’s: Chandler and Rachel are there)

Chandler: Did you know?

Rachel: About what?

Chandler: Her and that guy.

Rachel: She may have mentioned that she was seeing someone.

Chandler: How could I have been so stupid Rach?

Rachel: You weren’t the stupid one, Monica was, for jeopardizing a relationship with someone like you.

Chandler: No offence, but I didn’t really mean that kiss, I just wanted to show Monica something.

Rachel: I know, come sit down with me.

(He does so)

Chandler: Ya mind if I go to sleep?

Rachel: Be my guest.

(Chandler flops down and falls asleep on her lap)

Rachel: Dammit!

ENDING CREDITS

(Scene: the next morning-They are all there except Chandler, Rachel and Monica)

Ross: Uh, where d’ya reckon Rach got to last night?

Joey: I don’t know what are you looking at me for?

Phoebe: We left her with Chandler, oh my god you don’t think?

(Monica enters from her bedroom)

Ross: Rachel slept with Chandler!! (Monica’s eyes go wide and she runs back into her bedroom) That’s preposterous.

Phoebe: We’ll see, we’ll see!

 To be continued…

This was written before Season 5. So sorry if it doesn’t make much sense now J .

[Scene: Central Perk. The gang are having a reunion. They all look older because they are now not twenty something but thirty something. Chandler and Monica are very close (they are now married) and Ross and Rachel are still not. Phoebe is meditating – you’ll see why later]

Chandler: Well, well, well. We meet again.

Joey: Hey, is it just me or has Monica got fat?

Ross: Joey!

(Chandler and Monica laugh in that snide "couple who know something we don’t" way)

Phoebe: Yeah. Well, ya know, I’m busy too! Now just concentrate. I know you feel stupid. Oh! You are hopeless.

Chandler: Err…who is she talking to?

Rachel: Don’t you know anything? It’s her boyfriend – or fiancé to be. That guy that was in the coma? Well he went in to a coma again, and…oh it’s a long story!

(Enter Kathy)

(Chandler stutter uneasily, Monica glares)

Kathy: Oh, err…don’t mind me.

Monica: Anyway! So Chandler and me have some news.

Chandler: Err…now honey? Why not…wait.

Monica: I think we should do it now. (Monica glares in that evil way)

Chandler: (scared)…Okay.

Rachel: Well?

Chandler: Well…Monica?

Monica: I’m pregnant!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: How far gone?

Ross: WHAT?!

Chandler: Two w-

Monica: Seven months.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: Excuse me! Some of us are trying to communicate transatlantic here! And that’s not easy without a phone!

Monica: Sorry Pheebs. Any way, did you hear our news?

Phoebe: Honey, I heard it months ago.

Chandler: Why did she know before me? Seven months! Hello, I was only told last week! I don’t believe this!

Phoebe: Psychically honey, psychically!

[Scene: Joey’s and Chandler’s – but now just Joey’s. And tidy. Yes, you heard me – tidy.]

Chandler: God man, this is really…neat.

Joey: I did it all myself!

Chandler: Yeah right!

Joey: Me and my little friend…

(Enter Janice)

Janice: Oh-my-God!

Chandler: Oh my god! Oh my God! Joey?!

Joey: She’s kinda hot.

Chandler: What?!

Janice: Oh come on Chandler Bing, not a little – jealous are we?

Chandler: …no.

Joey: Okay, okay. Parties over. Janice – back in your room.

Janice: Sure – honey. I’ll be waiting – with my ticket.

Joey: The ticket never fails!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s.]

Chandler: Why didn’t you tell me?

Monica: I don’t have to tell you every little thing!

Chandler: That is not a little thing!

Monica: I know…well, you see…I just didn’t!

Chandler: Just…didn’t?

Monica: Yeah, it’s like just did it, but the opposite.

(Chandler does his work laugh)

Monica: Don’t you work laugh me!

Chandler: You know what? I’m gonna go back to my apartment in a sulk, but I can’t! I wanna go back and sit there on my couch with Joey – and I can’t! Because it doesn’t go with your "colour scheme". Y’know and now Joey’s got together with Janice-

Monica: You don’t like Janice.

Chandler: …yeah…

Monica: Do you?

Chandler: Of course I don’t! I’ve got you, but…maybe we’re going too fast. Maybe I passed through the tunnel too soon and a kid! A kid I wasn’t told about until seven months in to the pregnancy when it’s too late to do anything- (Chandler stops)

Monica: What?

Chandler: …nothing…(Chandler runs out)

[Scene: Janice’s and Joey’s:) We can’t see anything but the empty room– but we can hear!]

Janice: Joey! Oh Joey! Yes! Oh Joey!

(We suddenly see Chandler watching TV – just like when Joey was doing it with Kathy. Chandler turns the TV up. Joey appears at the doorway – having déjà vu yet? Janice follows him)

Joey: Hey!

Janice: Some of us are trying to sleep!

Chandler: Not from what I heard.

Janice: Oh Chandler Bing, you are jealous. Oh-my-God!

Joey: Y’know, his coupon doesn’t last forever.]

Janice: Of course, Joey-baby.

(We see Chandler acting absolutely smitten and staring after her as they go back in to Joey’s bedroom)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Monica is very upset – roll on box of Kleenex (that’s tissues in case you don’t have Kleenex in America)]

Monica: He just…left. Y’know, he just kind of muttered something than left! It wasn’t a big argument or anything, but he seemed really heft up about something and what if he never comes back? Y’know, I’ll be pregnant and on my own. What am I supposed to do?

Rachel: Well, you’re not exactly married, are you?

Monica: Well…no. Not quite. Perhaps I should find him?

Rachel: Oh right – "Hello. I’m little miss desperate".

Monica: But I thought we were serious!

Rachel: You are desperate!

Monica: I am not!

Rachel: I bet you can’t go two whole hours without calling him!

Monica: No! This is stupid. I’m gonna go see him.

Rachel: Do you know where he is?

Monica: His apartment-oh…his apartment! That’s where he said he was going.

[Scene: Joey and Janice’s apartment. There’s still groaning in the background.]

(Monica comes in. She hears the groaning and suspects the worst. Her eyes go wide and she rushes out – she thinks that Chandler was sleeping with Janice)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s]

Monica: I can’t believe it! Janice? How could he do this?

Rachel: Men.

Monica: But Janice! We could have talked it out. I don’t believe it! One sign of trouble and "whoosh" back to Janice. What is it with him and Janice? I mean, her voice is like a fog-horn, her laugh’s like a cheese grater…(Time lapse - arrive back and Rachel is asleep)I’ve got to be better looking. Haven’t I? Haven’t I?!

[Scene: Central Perk. Gunther is still there, cleaning coffee cups. The gang are on the sofa – not including Janice. Monica and Chandler aren’t talking to each other]

Gunther: So, err...Rachel, do you actually want to drink anything, because you have to be a customer to sit here.

Rachel: Oh, I’ll have some coffee – de-caff.

Gunther: And the rest of you?

Chandler: I’ll have a tea please.

Ross: Oh, I don’t know…just a coffee.

Monica: Nothing for me.

Gunther: Okay. (He calls to a waitress) Hey, honey, we need a de-caf coffee, tea and a coffee. (He kisses her long and hard like in those 1920’s films)

Phoebe: Ah that is so good he found someone. Don’t you think Rachel?

(Rachel runs off to the toilets crying)

Chandler: What was that about?

Monica: That is so typically insensitive of you! What was that about? What do you think, Mister I’m-So-Smart-And-Funny? She’s upset – like, duh! And you know what, because I am not totally insensitive I’m gonna go and ask her what’s wrong – rather than saying "What was all that about?" (Monica storms off after Rachel)

Joey: What was all that about?

[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s]

Chandler: So, err…where’s Janice tonight?

Joey: Far far away – I hope.

Chandler: What? But you did an awful lot of agreeing last night.

Joey: Yeah, well most of it was for show. Y’know, she’s not really your type.

Chandler: Really? She’s pretty nice. Yeah – definitely not your type.

Joey: Chandler, ya gotta get over her. You dumped her seven times now man! Seven times! You’ve got Monica.

Chandler: Had Monica.

Joey: What? She seemed totally cool with you at Central Perk today!

Chandler: No, Joey, I don’t think she was.

Joey: Man, you are so paranoid!

(There is a knock on the door. Joey tries – unsuccessfully – to crawl underneath the leather couches. He runs towards his bedroom. Chandler shakes his head and opens the door – it is Monica)

Chandler: Joey, it’s safe. (sheepishly – to Monica) Hey.

Monica: Where’s Janice?

Chandler: Shouldn’t you be asking Joey that? I don’t know.

Monica: Okay – Joey, where is she?

Joey: Who? Is she here? Please no. Hide me! Hide me! (Imitating Chandler) No, sorry Janice, Joey isn’t here.

Monica: What’s up with him?

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are close again, etc. etc.]

Joey: So, anyway, I told Janice last night.

Ross: Oh? How did she react?

Joey : Well, obviously , she was fairly upset. As any women is when they hear the love of their life has been imprisoned in Australia for high treason.

Chandler: Australia?

Ross: Treason?

Monica: That’s worse than Yemen!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Incoming!

(The gang gathers round Phoebe and listens. When Janice speaks, Phoebe’s lips move. It’s very strange.)

Janice (muffled): Joey? Is Joey there Phoebe?

Phoebe: …no…he’s in…Austria.

Janice: He said he was in Australia!

Phoebe: They sound the same!

Janice: Okay, well tell him I’ll be back. I know my two little love bunnies want me really – and they know it. They just don’t know they know it yet. I’m still waiting to convert Ross. (Laughs THAT laugh)

(All three of the men shiver in fear!)